A friend emailed me this story today and highlighted the almost throwaway comment, “and George Lucas plans to release all six ‘Star Wars’ movies in 3-D”. This elicited from me a bundle of snarky nerd rage that must have been lurking just below the surface. I thought my response would make for a good post so here it is, uncut and uncensored:
Yeah I heard he’s been working on this. As with any incremental release/version/edition, I’m sure he’ll take little poopy shits all over the stuff he STILL isn’t happy with. Here are my guesses and/or a wishlist:
-A 3rd version of the Jabba the Hutt model in the Mos Eisley docking bay scene with Han Solo, but this version will be just as terrible in different ways
-Greedo will now have a curly little villain moustachio and/or a turban so that we don’t feel so bad about Han Solo shooting first – because he DID shoot first, you fuckheads
-The holographic Emperor in Empire will be edited even further so that the GIANT FAT WADDLE of Ian McDiarmid ca. 2005 is even more prominent and the explanation will be that his BIG FAT WADDLE is where Emps keeps all his midichlorians
-A new celebration scene will be added to the end of Jedi – Tattoine, Bespin, Coruscant, and then Chicago where Barack Obama has just been elected president, only Obama’s head will be removed and Hayden Christensen’s stupid head will be in its place but black-ified a la Thomas C. Howell in Soul Man
Don’t get me started on the prequels. Revenge is ok but the others are dead to me right now.
Wow. I think I’m gonna put this on my blawwwwwwg.
-J
Please note I use “wishlist” with sarcasm.
I have a love/hate relationship with George Lucas. He is both creator and destroyer of beloved memories. I dressed up as him this past Halloween, but even that was half homage half ridicule. One of these days someone will bring balance back to Star Wars. I just hope George doesn’t have to be dead first.
